I feel horrible.
I feel like every time I write something, that I am complaining — that’s not who I want to be, that is not what I want. So please accept my apology in advance and if I may, steal a few more moments to try to express my thoughts and feelings.
I’ve discussed this a lot the past couple weeks – the positives and the negatives to all things. There are many positives to what I do and of course, I’m bound to run into a negative once in awhile (as in all things). But the one I want to discuss is the loneliness.
Traveling is one of my greatest joys – I love flying. There is just something about going to the airport that gets me all excited. I love the take off, I love the landing – I am always headed for a window seat. I love to travel. But as I’ve gotten older, I’m finding myself thinking that traveling would be so much more fun if I didn’t do it alone all the time.
I’ve taken at least a hundred more trips alone than I have with anyone. I haven’t gone on a family trip in years (besides the 2 weeks with my mom a year ago) but I’m talking about my family, like my whole family. And I’m afraid that we’ll never be able to get that chance again – it just gets harder as you get older. I’ve never gone on a trip with a serious boyfriend — I’ve taken a couple trips with guys but it was always more like a group of people going, I never had much alone time with anyone. And I’ve gone on some friends trips or all girls trips or etc but again, I think it’s been like 5 years since I’ve done that. People can’t go – they can’t take the time, they don’t have the money, they’ve gotten married, they’ve had babies, etc. I miss it. I miss friendships. I miss people.
The other thing that really gets me is that, I feel like I lose so many memories. I’ve been to so many fun places and I have no photos of it. I’ve done so many fun things and I have no photos of it. And many times, I forget about those times until something reminds me. Than I recall those moments and they become bitter sweet – for I am glad that I experienced them but sad that off the top of my head that I can’t remember them and that I have no photos of it, nothing to show of it – it almost makes my memories seem more like dreams. This makes me sad – I don’t mean to forget, I don’t want to forget.
Wat do you do that helps you remember? Places, people, times, moments? I think if I don’t have a camera, I should try writing it down.. but if I’m working (which I usually am, all my travels are now focused around work) I’m just so tired at the end of the day. Many times, I want to call and talk to someone but usually everyone I want to talk to is busy or they’re tired or etc, it just always seems like something. So at the end of the day, I always end up alone. I always board the flights alone, I always go back to my hotel alone and now I get home and I find… somewhat alone (not so lonely now that I have my dog in the new apt).
Sometimes I tell myself that I am all I need for the sake of my own sanity, that I can do everything I want by myself and still be totally happy – while that’s true, I wonder if I would be happier with someone. Oh the troubles of singledom, of loneliness. At least, it’s not drama filled like a relationship, right?
I want to share some of the photos I take as I try to preserve memory – let me know what you think.